I feel like shooting it straight today… You know how you sit down to read an article or your favorite blog and its just one big instructional on how to live your life? Can I admit something? Although I’ve written and read many of those, sometimes I get tired of them. Sometimes it feels good to simply say… “shit is going down! What are you going to do about it??” So instead of telling you what I think you should or could do with your life to make it better I will simply share a bit about my shifts and changes. I find that in sharing, not only am I able to keep my heart open to our connection, often times I hear from you that you are in a similar place and all you wanted to know is that you are not alone. If you’ve been part of my tribe for a while you know for sure that you are far from alone as you’ve watched me thrive and dive. You know that just like you, I have major ups and downs. Nothing to hide here. You’ve read about my life and business being almost too good to be true and you’ve also read about my struggles, fears and foes. As always I want to say thank you for sharing that over the years you’ve learned from me simply sharing my day to day life. That is a major inspiration.
So… change is inevitable right? You could spend an entire lifetime preparing for moments, taking steps to create a specific outcome, protecting yourself and your loved ones or finally gaining courage to make a shift never knowing what the outcome will be. Change can come through like an earth shaking storm or like a bright shining day. It can be planned or completely unpredicted and unexpected. Well… I’d say a few fast balls of change have been thrown my way and I can tell you right now, for about a month or so it felt like a shit storm instead of rainbows and glitter and you know I love my rainbows and glitter! All of the self development and growth I’ve honed and shared over the years went flying out the window along with my faith in anything. You know those times when you start feeling like the victim in every situation instead of acknowledging that you created it? You know those times that you convince yourself that once one drop falls from the sky you immediately go to the old adage, “when it rains it pours” which in essence manifests the rest of the shit storm? You know when you point your finger at everything and everyone else instead of turning inward and taking responsibility for what roll you played in your current reality? Yeah… You know what I’m talking about. I sure as hell know because I’ve been here over and over again through the years. Most people have in one way or the other. So why don’t I start there. I had to stop beating myself up for “failing myself again”, “making the same mistake twice without learning my lesson”, “wasting time on things and people that weren’t feeding my soul and purpose.” The list goes on. I realized that nothing good could come out of me dogging myself out over stuff that is already done. I had to make declarations and commitments to myself to stop this pattern in its tracks NOW…TODAY and never look back. By doing so, when I fall back in those areas I won’t fall so far. The mistakes will become less and less and my response would serve me and the situation more effectively.
In the last few months I felt some shifts happening around the dynamic with my friends as well. I remember being offended when a dear and close person in my life told me that I was everyones sponsor around me and that I didn’t really have anyone to lift me up or help me through; nor did I ask. After some time passed I started to realize their was some truth in that statement. I wasn’t surrounded by people who inspired me to do great things. Not because they weren’t amazing people but because they were busy living their own lives and inspiring me wasn’t at the top of their list and thats ok. No one would really observe a pattern in my life and try to offer ways for me to grow the way I often have. With that said no one forced me to wake up craving to inspire any and every person that I can day to day. It’s just the way I was born. So during this rough time I walked into spaces internally, which means I am still able to socialize and mingle with my friends but I speak less and listen more. Within this silence I have been able to see and feel things that are impossible to reveal themselves when I’m “high on life” Tiffany who brings my wild and free spirit into every room. This Tiffany is more of a “peaceful warrior.” The thing that was highlighted the most was how often I had spent time allowing and desiring people to drop their shit storm off at my door. Over the years I’ve spent hours upon hours friend “counseling.” Now don’t get me wrong, I will FOREVER be an open heart and ear for my loved ones, but what I realized is that by investing so much time and energy into (supposedly) helping people through their shit, I got to neglect, ignore and avoid my own. I guess this is why often time coaches and healers are advised to leave this for office hours. That meant unless I was getting paid to be dumped on, I absolutely had to find a healthy balance and create boundaries. Not to mention the fact that I’m no guru to others. I am my own guru and I needed to live by simply being an example, be there when a friend asks, but otherwise live my life and allow them to do the same without my two cents. Sometimes friends ask your opinion and sometimes they just need an ear. True story.
This is a hard topic for me share. If you look back over the years I rarely mention love interests and certainly have not posted pictures with the man in my life. I know you want to know why. Back in 2009 I met who I believed to be a wonderful man with “normal” challenges and we soon married after. My dream of happily ever after came crashing down when I discovered that I had no idea who I was married to. In all of my commitment to love and a beautiful future I had proudly shared my relationship status and lots of wedding pictures during our time together. At some point when I decided that I was not with the right person for me, I changed my status to single not knowing that it would post on a live social media feed. I felt bad for my ex husband and I certainly would have never delivered a message that way. Since then I have kept that part of my life almost completely silent. I do not think there is anything wrong with having faith in love and giving it your best. I also believe that an honest and nurtured marriage is one the most beautiful things in life. To this day I aspire to experience this gift.
What I realized during my storm was that I had some major healing to do in order to attract the love that I desired. I actually just laughed out loud because these are all topics that I have helped my clients and friends through. Often times I am able to share my insight on these topics because of my own experiences, but that doesn’t mean I wake up with the strength and courage to make the choices that I know truly are best for me when it comes to love. Here’s what I realized. I was waiting for someone to come and save me. All of these years I was that little girl sitting on the curb waiting for my Dad to visit and he would only show up sometimes. I was that little girl longing for attention that was often times ignored. I was that little girl who was always afraid that no one would come back for me at the end of the each day. Now obviously I’ve done years of work around those “records,” but that doesn’t mean I am not triggered from time to time. Of course I am more susceptible to being triggered when I am feeling stuck or weary in other areas of my life. Some of my old patterns and stories had even led me to be blinded and fooled in relationships. I do have a strong spirit of discernment and my intuition is loud but like many, I would ignore it and press forward for the name of ….. love? NOT. I realized that it wasn’t for the name of love. It was for the name of an ideal. I painted a picture of what I thought love and partnership looked like and I looked for it in all of the wrong places and all of the wrong ways. Why? Because the brush and the canvas were never blank. I repeat the brush and the canvas were never blank. That blank canvas and paint brush represent me… Me as a strong, self loving, self worthy, independent, confident woman. I had never taken the time to truly face these facts. It’s only now that I see that two whole people coming together create a beautiful union. I do believe that there are cracks in everything and that is how the light gets in, but I also believe in continuing to dig deep in healing the cracks and becoming whole. I had to face the fact that no one was coming to save me , that no one would be my father or my mother and that no one was going to be my dose of self worth and value. I had to realize that independence, confidence and self love was sexy to me and it was up to me to make these things my reality and that the moment I make these shifts the universe would respond in more love than I can imagine and only now is that beginning to happen in my life.
After being moved around quite a bit as a child, I found myself in the early stages of hoarding as a young adult. Every time we moved some part of what I believed to be me was left behind whether it was my favorite bookshelf or a photo album. Not only did I not want to let things go, I often found myself buying things to fill voids. To add flames to the fire the stuff was everywhere. I would wake up and climb over clothes, pull one thing out of the closet and end up with a pile on my head and I don’t think I ever saw my floor. What did it take to pull me out of this? I huge change. I was in my fourth year of college. I called my sister and told her I was stuck and needed a major shift in my life. I asked her to help me have a yard sale so that I could pack up minimally and move over 3000 miles away. That happened 15 years ago and I never looked backed. Of course over the years I have moved around and accumulated many things, only now I have managed to keep things decently in order. During this last month of sadness, confusion and chaos I finally concluded that it was time for another catastrophic change. I looked around my beautiful beach bungalow and realized that my stuff owned me and it has for many years. It doesn’t matter that its relatively organized. I am held hostage by stuff…by things. I’ve spent countless days “decluttering” and “reorganizing,” and one day I woke up and opened my closet door, looked around my house and all that I heard was “it has to go….no more organizing because your shoes are getting stuck in your closet door, no more refolding your sweaters because you pulled one out and 5 fell… it has to go out of the door and into someone else’s use. These things are no longer serving you. ” Here’s the funny thing. It was in a conversation with one of my best friends that I discovered part of the reason I was so stuck. She and I are total opposites. She gets rid of stuff constantly. She likes minimal design, doesn’t think she needs anything and obsessively throws everything away. While I find huge value in this, I helped her realize that part of the reason she was so obsessive about making so much space in her outside world was because there was no space in her inside world. Her mind has been so consumed over the years that she has found a way to externally “clear space” when all along it was her inside crying for room. I was quite the opposite. There is NOTHING that I want for. I have things in every corner of my life. In fact my outside life is so full that I hardly have much happening in my mind. Now from a yogic perspective this could seem like some sort of enlightenment and I may have fallen into believing that this is what I was experiencing but I am blessed with the desire to call myself out on my shit. I realized in talking to her that I have operated with my mind borderline empty which in turn has led to very little forward movement. Why? All of my “stuff” is too heavy to carry and everything is to full to allow for other things to enter like healthy relationships, abundance and clarity. Days were falling off of my calendar and I couldn’t tell anyone where I had been and what I had been doing, much less what I was going to do next. I have taught so many people that space needs to be made in order for the universe to provide you with the things you want and need. Sure if the time is right the universe will burst through any pile of life to get the message to you, but how many times have you heard me ask you or someone else, how they can possibly attract good friends or good things when their roster is mindlessly is filled. That perspective goes across the board. I discovered that I felt landlocked. You know where this is going right? As we speak I have a pile of containers stacked and I am clearing space. Even if its stuff I “love.” I have decided that I can not move forward with this baggage. Gaining clarity is virtually impossible within clutter.
Oh boy. Here we go. For years I have spoken internally and into the universe that my weakness is finances. What the hell do you think that creates? A weakness in finances. Now when people from the outside look in their perspective is that I am in a better place than most. This kind of goes back to the, “I want for nothing.” That is until I say out loud that the ONLY thing I desire the most is financial stability. Now for my logical, frugal and pragmatic peeps, for years, I have often secretly worshipped the ground that you walk on. I’ve wanted nothing more than to make better decisions but I just couldn’t resist living how I wanted to live. For me it was never about expensive clothes or cars, it was about a few things; good food, an amazing home, epic experiences and continued education. This is another area that I have mistakingly compared myself to others and wished that I could be more like them. Over the years I have had smart friends that always have roommates, live in small spaces, stay consistent with work, had specific income goals, hardly traveled and built their savings. Now again I would love for this to be a bigger part of my life, but it took me years to realize that I needed to find a good balance for me, based on me. I went too far on the other side of living life in leisure and having everything I wanted because I personally have witnessed that tomorrow, much less the next second is not promised. I took that perspective so far that I was incapable of looking into the future and being more mindful. I still love the fact that I have blasted myself to the last dime to travel out of the country, educate and discover myself in ways I could have never imagined. I still love that I don’t live my life playing it safe or waiting for the perfect time to do things that feel so right. This is yet another gift that came out of a few months of darkness. I simply needed to take an honest look at the words that I’ve spoken around money, the fact that I was hiding behind “not understanding” finances and living in fear that I might die and never experience living in a home or traveling to another country to deepen my spiritual practices. Let me tell you something. This is hard work. I have to fight off the negative talk of calling myself a fool for not saving the thousands of dollars I’ve made over the years, for not chasing business and new clients or for not being more intelligent and forward thinking. What I gathered is that this is no longer my story and I don’t have to live by it. I gathered that I was given more talents and intelligence than enough to make a change whenever I make the choice. The power is within me and it all starts with making space in every area of my life to create a new reality. And this it shall be.
Now I didn’t write this to air out my dirty laundry or to get a million and one likes, I wrote this to connect deeply with those who have lived their own versions of this. I just want to tell you that you are not alone and whenever you are ready the change is your to have. Things may get tough before they get easy, but you can live in harmony, balance and peace. Be thankful for where you. No more fighting the old, start building the new.